He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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