What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
