Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We don't watch enough power rangers
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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