I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
