she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
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