Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
