Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
