its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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