I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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