well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
