You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
