my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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