im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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