dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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