Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
