im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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