Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
