I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
