May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
