this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
