Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
