whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
