My sheets look like a crime scene.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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