My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Randomize
