so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
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I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
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The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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