but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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