I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
