alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
