i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
