Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
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Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
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I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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