Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
