Is it because I queefed?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
