omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
