I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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