I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
