I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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