she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
