i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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