Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
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