I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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