And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
