i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
