before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
