Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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