well I can't set my house on fire every night
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
