I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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