Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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