Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I need to sanitize my soul.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
