its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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