You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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