guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
no, he came in my armpit
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
