I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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