I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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