dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
