im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
