you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i dont even know how to be here
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
