Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
