well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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