I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
