Your face is a jimmy john
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
