Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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