It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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